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Fear of a Josh Planet
So a few years ago I was sitting around my house wondering where my next free meal was coming from and the Dumb Fucking Lesbian calls me:DFL: Hey. What are you doing for dinner tonight?ME: Combining...
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HAPPY DAY OF ATONEMENT!
Many of you seem disturbed that I wear sweatpants. And to that I would quote the great Andrew Marlowe and say this: Get off my fucking blog.The fact is, other than free sushi and a seven figure income,...
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Barney and Friends
So the blog seemed like a fun idea at the time. Do my little jokey-joke thing, tell a tale or two out of school, jump the shark, go home to my moldy mansion and my weird pets. But then I wake up and...
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The Toilet of Mickey Rourke
For those of you who still go through the fruitless ritual of checking my blog to see if I've written anything new, I apologize for those twelve seconds per day you've been wasting the last two weeks....
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Boring Housekeeping
Thanks to all of you who've written in to congratulate me on Terminator. It's touching to know at least a few of you will entertain the notion that I won't fuck this up completely. I know you're all...
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IRONY IS A BITCH
So my last big post includes a whole conversation with me and my doctor Fish about what a fucking hypochondriac I am. Twelve hours after posting such post I am stricken with the worst stomach flu/food...
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Diary of a Mad HouseJosh
There's this little noise your I.V. machine makes when the bag is empty or the timer reaches zero and they don't want you to have any more morphine. It sounds like a truck backing up, and that's dead...
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Le Broken Clock, C'est Moi
The problem with being a hypochondriac, similar to a paranoid, is sometimes you're right. Some of you may remember I used to write a blog around these parts, and occasionally waxed glib about my doctor...
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Le Broken Clock, Part Two
SPOILER ALERT!! SPOILER ALERT!!One of the many reasons I debated writing about this whole kidney cancer thing was a fundamental problem of genre. Namely, I never intended this to be a thriller. As I...
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A Palate Cleansing Sorbet
So first I'd like to thank everybody again who's sent me well-wishes, prayers, support, etc. I'd especially like to thank those who have shared their own cancer stories with me. Granted, sometimes the...
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THE POOP IS BANANAS
So my wife recently introduced biodegradable dog poop bags to our household and I can't say it doesn't vex me just a little bit. First, it's called "The Business Bag," and while I understand where the...
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In the Company of Friends
My wife and I had dinner with some friends the other night and before I'd even managed to massacre my second basket of free bread the subject of my blog came up. This happens quite frequently--mainly...
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Words, words, words
The morning of my cancer surgery I woke an hour before my son and gathered up the few things I would take to the hospital. My wife had made me a photo album to keep by my bed and this went into a small...
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Snarkness on the Edge of Town
So. I'm alive. Fat, furry, lactose intolerant, but singing like a motherfucking rooster at sunrise.Well, not singing really. And definitely not at sunrise. This would be a more accurate picture of the...
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Snakes on the Motherfucking Catwalk
Look people. I get it. I'm a great disappointment to you all. We had a few giggles, shared some digital sushi and Diet Coke, we made New Line an extra fifty million dollars and had a good time doing...
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Snakes on a Motherfucking Catwalk, Part 2
Don't think I've forgotten about you, Tyra.You can pretend you're not part of what's going on down there at Santa Monica and Sepulveda, Tyra. You can pretend you're just "talent" and bear no...
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Shhhhhhhh.....
Are they gone yet? It was crazy there for a little bit, what with the all the snakes and planes and depalma and tyra and cancer and killer cyborgs and the apocalypse and that one monster spammer and...
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EXT. STUDIO - ALL DAY
So it's been a little while and you've all found other roadside attractions and ten months without a post is brain death for a blog so I get it if there's no one out there when the digital tree falls...
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BEE SEASON
Three years ago my wife and I pulled into our driveway and just as we were about to get out of the car my wife grabbed my arm and pointed. Hovering over our car some thirty feet in the air was an angry...
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LOST IN THE FLOOD
So my wife is on her third round of antibiotics and her first batch of steroids for what the doctors believe is a sinus infection migrated south to retire permanently in her lungs as bronchitis. My son...
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